So, I had these elaborate plans about documenting my social media cleanse (which I will get to some other time) but I thought that this topic took precedence. In the time that I was off social media, my friend reached out and told me about a job at Facebook she thought I’d enjoy. I was like, “why not?!” So I applied. A side effect of going off social media that I did not expect, was how much extra brain space I would have access to! That, coupled with the fact that I was on the luteal phase of my cycle (we’ll come back to this, too!) all lead to magic unfolding.
You guys, I totally got the job! I got great vibes from my manager-to-be, I interviewed with ALL women, I love what the team is doing, and I’m really excited to try something new. And I get 2.5 weeks off in between to reflect, relax, and recharge. I’m super pumped. BUT THEN, the shame started to set in. “I literally just took a break from social media because I felt that it was negatively affecting my life and now I’m going to work for Facebook.” Shit. It’s a familiar feeling, similar to when I bought my car and Weston playfully commented on how “I was a driver now”. I immediately barked back, “NO I’M NOT. I’M STILL A CYCLIST!!” Woah.
I realized that I’m like seriously attached to my identity, and this required some unpacking.
I’ve talked about this extensively with friends, the idea of having “a thing”. In high school and college, I remember constantly feeling like I was surrounded by people who were wayyy more interesting than me. I hung out with musicians, artists, writers, chefs, philosophers, the list goes on and on. And I remember always feeling like a big ole pile of mediocrity. Well now, I have lots of “things”. I practice and teach yoga, I garden, I go cycling on the weekends, I love to cook, I’ve experimented with writing a bit, and I’m pretty good at my job. And in a way, these identities have lead to more suffering. All this time I thought, if only I could have “a thing” that makes me special, different, interesting. So the universe said, “Here are all the ‘things’ and their complementary baggage and added expectations!!”
What do I mean by expectations? Having “things” makes it hard to live in that lovely gray area. Some days, I do yoga for hours on end, others I feel like I'm kinda over it. But I feel like CAN’T admit that because I’ve created this rock-hard identity for myself around yoga: Holly, the yogi and Holly, the yoga teacher. Recently, I started eating meat again after a decent stint of vegetarianism. And SO MANY people wanted an explanation. And when I replied “I don’t know, I just wanted to eat meat again”. It was like my answer was unsatisfactory and needed to be better. Isn’t that weird?
It’s my life, my body, my time, my choices, but somehow I felt like other people required more of me, more of an explanation.
The more that we associate with the black and white, the shoulds and shouldn’ts, the rights and wrongs, especially when tied to our identities, the more we’ll suffer. You all know this, but life is MESSY and CONFUSING and UNCERTAIN and POINTLESS and MEANINGFUL all at the same time. Let’s all just freaking embrace our contradictory, dynamic, amazing, wild selves and stop worrying about our labels.
When in doubt, I look to nature for advice, and I don’t see the wind, trees, or ocean trying to make a name for themselves. They just live, do their very best, and let go of everything else. Let’s learn from them.
-h